Here's to Billy Shakespeare
by Samantha J. Mulder
Summary: It's a real comedy of errors at HG Wells: Phil kisses Via in order to dissuade another girl's affections but Keely happens to see and suddenly feels betrayed by her friends. Will she stay mad at them forever or realize it's all much ado about nothing?
1. Act I, Scene i

A/n: Hey, everyone, it's your old pal Sam Mulder, back once more. Miss me? It's been awhile, hasn't it? So much craziness going on lately (college transfer apps, school projects, work, etc) that I haven't had a whole lot of time to get anything done. But fear not, you can't keep a good writer down. One quick note about the title: it's a bit of an homage to my favorite English teacher in high school who always used to refer to William Shakespeare as "Billy."

**Here's to Billy Shakespeare**

**Act I, Scene i**

"So, moving on, _Taming of the Shrew, _act two, scene one. Since I know most of you didn't bother to read it, I'll give you the rundown," Mr. Morgan said to his third period English class. "In this scene our friends Lucentio and Hortensio are masquerading as teachers again in order to get the attention of the lovely Bianca. Meanwhile, Petruccio finds himself in another battle of wits with Katherine who..."

In the back of the class, Phil Diffy doodled idly in his notebook. He, unlike most of his classmates, had actually read the play and found Mr. Morgan's review particularly boring. He stared at spot on the wall just above the teacher's head, spaced out, until a folded up square of paper hit him in the face. He looked up to see his best friend smiling at him from the seat in front of him. When Phil returned the smile, Keely turned back around.

As he unfolded the paper, Phil looked over at the seat next him where his friend Via had her copy of _Taming of the Shrew _ open in front of her and was scribbling furiously in the margins. He rolled his eyes; Via loved this kind of stuff.

Phil turned his attention to Keely's note and read her loopy handwriting. _Phil, _ it said, _I forgot to tell you I made you lunch. _ At the bottom Keel had signed her name with a smiley face after it.

Phil smiled, feeling lucky to have such a sweet best friend. Staring at the back of her head, Phil let his thoughts drift to Keely and their relationship. He knew there had been definite more-than-friends feelings between them for quite some time. Well, he knew for a fact that he was in love with her and he was pretty sure she felt the same way. He also knew, however, that they had both been avoiding the issue. Both of them wanted something to happen but neither of them knew how to make it happen.

The more Phil thought about it, the more he knew he had to something. He had come so close asking Keely out on several occasions but on all those occasions, he had failed. He couldn't help it though; her smile made his heat melt and when he looked into her eyes, he lost all train of thought. All that aside, however, the more time he spent with Keely, the deeper in love he fell and the harder it was to keep up the "just friends" front.

Right then and there, sitting in the back of his English class, Phil decided he was finally going to make a move and take his relationship with Keely to the next level. He was going to ask her out and this time, he was going to succeed.

Just as Phil was trying to figure out how he was going to go about all this, he was jerked from his thoughts by Keely's voice. "Hey, Phil?" She said. "Class is sort of over."

He looked to see her standing next to him. The rest of the class had already filed out, leaving Phil, Keely and Via alone in the classroom. "Oh, right," he replied, gathering his books and following the girls out the door.

In the hall, Keely said, "I'll see you guys at lunch," before heading off down towards her next class.

Phil and Via started off in the opposite direction. "So," Via said with a sly grin, "what were you such deep thought about during English?"

"Uh, nothing," Phil said quickly.

Via's grin widened. "Oh I think it was something. Or should I say, someone? Someone named Keely maybe?"

Phil felt his ears turn red and before he could think of a way to respond, Via said, "Relax, Phil, I'm just teasing you. I think it's cute how you and Keely completely ignore your feelings for one another."

"Via, don't you have something better to do than harass me about Keely?"

"No," Via said, then, when Phil rolled his eyes, added, "Give me a break, will you? I have no love life of my so I have to live vicariously through you two."

"How's that working out for you?" Phil asked with a grin, stopping outside his physics classroom.

"Not too good," Via shot back, "since you two are too clueless to do anything about your feelings."

"Hey for your information, Via, I'm going to ask Keely out."

It was Via's turn to roll her eyes. "Oh, please, Phil. You've been saying that since I met you."

"This time I mean it. I'm going to ask her out today at lunch."

Via raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "Oh really? Are you sure you're not going to chicken out like last time?"

"I'm so sure I'm willing to bet on it," Phil said. "Loser buys winner lunch?"

"You're on!" Via shook Phil's hand, then turned to walk across the hall to her class. A second later, she turned back around. "It's not like I don't want to see you and Keely together," she said, "it's just that I don't think you'll go through with it." She shot Phil one last grin before ducking into her classroom as the bell rang.

A/N: All right, folks stay tuned for the next chapter: will Phil finally ask Keely out or will Via win the bet? Find out in Act I, Scene ii! Oh, and leave me a review if you'd be so kind.

D/c: We all know I own nothing.


	2. Act I, Scene ii

**Here's to Billy Shakespeare**

**Act 1, Scene ii**

As Phil walked out of his physics class a little while later, all he could think about was lunch. He hadn't gotten to eat breakfast that morning; Pim had stolen his alarm clock to use in some crazy Fashion Zombie revenge scheme so he'd overslept. He'd barely had time to get dressed and brush his teeth before Keely had shown up to walk to school.

He was so caught up in his thoughts of his stomach that he didn't notice the girl walking next to him until she spoke. "Hi, Phil!" She said, rather enthusiastically.

Phil jumped, a little startled. He looked over to see the girl who sat two seats behind him in physics walking next to him. She was few inches shorter than him with a mop of unruly auburn hair, green eyes behind Buddy Holly glasses and a weird sort of fashion sense that made one wonder if really meant to look like that or she just got dressed in the dark.

"Uh, hey, Marci," Phil replied, thinking as he studied her that she kind of reminded him of Daria, only sans the sarcasm.

She smiled at him. "Wasn't class just fascinating today?"

"Uh, yeah," Phil agreed although he'd been much to busy thinking about how he was going to win his bet with Via to pay attention.

"So, do you think maybe we could...uh...you know, have lunch together?"

From the way she was smiling at him, Phil could tell that it wasn't a just-friends kind of lunch she had in mind. Why does this have to happen now? He thought, trying to figure out some way to let her down gently.

"I'm already meeting someone for lunch," he said, "Sorry, Marci."

She looked at little heartbroken but still managed to smile. "That's okay. Maybe some other time?"

"Sure."

She turned and headed back down the hall as Phil breathed a sigh of relief. One crisis adverted. Now if only he could get through the rest of lunch...

A few minuted later, Phil was sitting next to Keely on the grass in the school courtyard, eating the sandwich she made him.

"Whoa, Phil, slow down! That sandwich isn't going anywhere!" Keely said, watching him practically inhale the sandwich.

"Sorry," he said,"I didn't get to eat breakfast thanks to my darling sister."

Keely laughed as he swallowed his last bite. He almost wished he hadn't eaten so quickly because suddenly it was the moment of truth.

Phil took a deep breath and, not looking directly at her, said, "Hey, Keely, do you think on Friday night you and I could maybe go out to dinner and movie, you know, just the two of us, alone?"

When he looked at her, she was grinning ear-to-ear. "Phil Diffy, are you asking me out?"

That was certainly not the reaction Phil had expected. "Uh, yeah," he replied, a little shocked.

"Finally! It sure took you long enough. I was starting to wonder if maybe I would have to ask you out."

Phil couldn't help laughing. "So, is that a yes?"

"Of course it's yes!" She gave him a playful shove and they both started laughing.

The next morning, Phil waited for Via at her locker with a triumphant grin on his face. When she finally arrived, he said, "You, my friend, owe me lunch."

Via's jaw dropped. "No way. You didn't."

Phil nodded. "Just ask Keely."

As if on cue, Keely came around the corner, on her way to the broadcast lab. When Via saw her, she grabbed her arm and pulled her across the hall. Phil couldn't hear what they were saying but after a few seconds they shared a girlish shriek and he had a good idea of how the conversation had gone.

When they both rejoined him, Via said, "All right, Phil, you win."

"And you owe me lunch," he said, with a smug grin.

Via smiled. "No problem. It's worth it just to see you two finally get together."

A/n: Thanks for all the great reviews so far! Stay tuned for Act II, Scene i: Just as everything seems to be working out for everyone, Phil goes and screws it all up.


	3. Act II, Scene i

The next couple of days were fairly uneventful except that Phil couldn't seem to get rid of Marci. Everywhere he went she was there. She showed up at his locker, followed him around in the halls and had a way of always magically appearing at his side.

Phil finally confided his problem in Via when she caught him hiding behind his locker door. "What are you doing?" She asked, peering around the corner of the door.

"Hiding."

"From who?" She looked around the hall and didn't see anything the least bit threatening.

"Marci."

"Who?"

Phil shut his locker. "This girl in my physics class," he explained. "She won't stop following me around."

Via looked at little confused. "Why?"

"She has a crush on me."

"Why don't you just tell her you don't feel the same way?"

"I tried! I've told her at least ten times that I don't like her in that way but she just doesn't get it! No matter what I say or do I can't get rid of her!"

Phil glanced down the hall and suddenly a look of terror crossed his face. "Oh no, there she is!"

As Marci walked toward them, Phil looked from her to Via and, in a moment of desperation, did something stupid without thinking it through.

He grabbed Via and kissed her.

When he let go of her, he looked down the hall to see Marci turn around and walk quickly the opposite direction. "It worked! Maybe now she'll leave me alone."

Via followed his gaze and suddenly understood. He turned to her and said, "Sorry, Via, maybe I should have warned you before I did that."

"Uh, that's all right, Phil. Happy to help."

They were both quiet for a moment until Via started laughing. "Well, I learned one thing today."

"What's that?"

"You and I should never date."

Phil laughed too. "That's for sure."

Having finally gotten rid of Marci, Phil felt a whole lot better about everything. However, had he known who, beside Marci, had witnessed his act of desperation, he wouldn't have felt so upbeat because at the precise moment that Phil kissed Via, Keely Teslow had come around the corner and seen the whole thing.

A/n: What? Cliffhanger? Guess you'll just have to come back for Act II, Scene ii, when all this craziness gets resolved...maybe...


	4. Act II, Scene ii

A/n: Hey everyone! Sorry this took so long to finish, I've just been crazy busy lately. I've had final projects to finish, papers to write, finals to study for, usually end of semester. I did, however, get to go see Aly & AJ last week, which totally rocked. But enough about me...

**Act II, Scene ii**

The next morning when Keely didn't show up to walk to school with Phil., he didn't think much of it but when she completely ignored him when he tried to talk to her at school, he knew something was up.

He stopped Via at her locker during lunch and asked her, "Hey, do you have any idea why Keely won't talk to me?"

"I was just going to ask you the same thing," was Via's reply.

"That's a little strange."

"Yeah, I don't think-" Via cut herself off as a thought dawned on her. "You don't think she..."

Phil too realized what was happening. "...saw me kiss you?" He finished.

"Yeah."

"I think that's exactly what happened." Phil leaned against the lockers. and ran a hand through his hair. "Great, just great. Now what am I going to do?"

Via had quite a different reaction. She started laughing. Phil was appalled. "What's so funny?" He demanded.

"I was just thinking, this whole thing is sort of like one of Shakespeare's comedies, don't you think?"

"Oh good grief! How could you possible think of Shakespeare at a time like this?"

"Just listen would you?" Via paused for dramatic effect then, look of somewhere in the distance, started in her best movie trailer voice. "We open with our two star-crossed lovers: the beautiful Keely and the dashing Philip. They're madly in love but on the eve of their wedding disaster strikes! In order to dissuade the mislead affections of another girl, Philip kisses Keely's closest and most trusted friend, the lovely and intelligent Olivia. Philip's plan backfires, however, when Keely oversees and feels betrayed by the two people closest to her." Via turned to Phil and grinned. "So, what do you think?"

"What do I think?" Phil repeated as the bell rang. "I think I hate Shakespeare."

The next day, Phil was at the end of his rope. "Via, I can't take it anymore!" Phil said before school as Via put the finishing touches on her make-up using the mirror inside her locker door. "Keely's never going to talk to me again. She hates me. My life is over."

Via rolled her eyes. "Phil you are such a drama queen. Does Aaron Spelling know about you? I'm sure he could make you a star."

"Very funny. How you can you be so clam about all of this, Via? I mean, Keely's not talking to you either and she's your best friend."

"Yeah, but I didn't break her heart." Via grinned but when she noticed Phil looked like he was about to cry, she quickly added, "Just kidding!" When Phil continued to stare at the ground in silence, Via said, "Look, Phil, all joking aside, Keely could never really hate you."

Phil looked up at her. "Oh yeah? How do you know?"

"Because I know Keely. She really cares about you, Phil. She might be a little upset with you right now but she doesn't hate you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think if you just talk to her, you can work this whole thing out."

"Talk to her? I can't talk to her. It's like talking to a brick wall!"

"Then you're not trying hard enough."

"Not trying hard enough? What are you, insane? I've tried everything to get her to listen to me but it's pretty hard to get through to someone who wants to nothing to do with you."

"Methinks thou doth protest too much," Via said with raised eyebrows and a grin.

"Yeah well, methinks thou should keep thou's opinions to thouself," Phil shot back as the bell rang.

"'Thouself' isn't a word," Via said teasingly as she followed Phil down the hall.

"Hey, your boy Shakespeare made up words all the time, so why can't I?"

Via rolled her eyes. "Phil, Shakespeare was a literary genius. I don't see you writing any great love sonnets."

"Via, the woman I love won't even look at me right now, so I'm sure you'll forgive me if I'm not feeling particularly romantic."

Phil turned to duck into his classroom but Via grabbed his arm. "Phil, just talk to her. She'll come around, trust me." She let go of him and gave him a reassuring smile before heading towards her own class.

All morning, Phil thought about what Via said. He still wasn't sure she was right but he figured he might was well try, especially considering he was had no other real options.

At lunch, Phil waited for Keely at her locker and when she arrived, she completely ignored him, just as he predicted. This time, however, he didn't give up. When she tried to leave, he blocked her way and said, "Listen, Keely, I know you don't want to talk to me right now but at least hear me out. I think I deserve a chance to explain myself."

Keely sighed but didn't move. "Look," he said, "whatever you think happened, it didn't. Nothing happened."

Keely chose that moment to break her silence. "Didn't happen? Phil, I saw you kiss Via!"

"I didn't...well, I did kiss her, but it's not what you think."

"What I think is that you kissed her and that's all there is to it! I thought that we...well, it's not important what I thought. The point is that you kissed Via. Do you know how hard it was for me to watch that?"

"I can only imagine, Keel, but I can explain."

"Sure, go ahead. This should be good. I can't even begin to imagine what possible explanation you could have for asking me out then kissing another girl."

"I didn't want to kiss her, Keely. I did it out of desperation! This girl from my physics was, like, obsessed with me and I sort of kissed Via in order to get her to leave me alone. I'll be the first to admit that it wasn't the smartest thing to do but I was desperate."

"Wow, Phil, you're a regular ladies' man, aren't you?"

"You know that's not true, Keel. You're the only girl that matters to me."

"Gee, I bet you say that to all the girls."

Phil ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He looked straight in the eyes and said, "Listen to me, Keely: there is nothing between Via and me. You are the only girl I ever want to be with." He took a step closer to her and lowered his voice. "I'm crazy about you, Keely."

Keely took a step back. "I wish I could believe you, Phil, but I know what I saw."

By now Phil had just about reached his breaking point. "Just forget about all that will you? Via and I are just friends. _You _are the _only _one I have feeling for!"

"Phil, I-"

"Do you want me to prove it?"

Keely looked at him, a little dumbstruck. "What?"

The look on Phil's face was completely serious as he repeated himself. "Do you want me to prove it?"

Keely quickly regained her composure...and her resentment. "Yeah, I do!"

"All right then!"

"How could--"

Keely started to argue but was suddenly cut off. It took her a second to get over her shock but when she realized that Phil was kissing her with everything he had, something strange happened. As much as she still wanted to be mad at him, Keely couldn't ignore the fact that kissing Phil felt amazing. There was a voice in her brain telling her that she was supposed to be angry with him but the pounding of her heart and the electricity she felt quickly silenced it and she felt herself wrap her arms around Phil and kiss him back with equal passion.

When they pulled part, Keely just looked a Phil and whispered, "Wow."

"Now do you believe me?" Phil asked, taking both of her hands in his.

"If I say no, will you kiss me again?"

He laughed. "How about I kiss you no matter what you say?"

Keely laughed too and said, "Deal!" before leaning in to kiss him again.

Meanwhile, Via was down the hallway, on the way to her locker and spotted Phil and Keely sharing their second kiss.

"Well," she said as she approached them. "It looks like everything worked out, didn't it?"

Phil and Keely jumped apart, blushing. "Yeah, it sure looks that way," Phil said with a grin.

"Gee, Via, you sure were right, I should have listened to you from the beginning," Via said in a cheesy, melodramatic voice.

Phil threw up his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay, I get. You we're right, Via. You knew everything would work out."

"Yeah, and you know how I knew?"

"Oh no, don't say it."

"Shakespeare," she said with a smug smile.

Phil groaned, then said, "You know, Via, I'm starting to think you have a serious problem here. But don't worry I'm sure there's twelve step program for Shakespeare addiction."

"Ha ha, Phil. Very funny. You're just angry because Will and I were right and you were wrong."

Keely, who had been looking back and forth from Via to Phil, suddenly cut in. "What are two talking about?"

"You don't want to know," Phil replied, then to Via he said, "Why can't you be a normal teenage girl and be obsessed with Orlando Bloom or some boy band?"

"You know, Phil , someday you're going to need Shakespeare but because of your blind hatred, he won't there for you."

"Unless old Billy magically invented a way to get rid of psychotic sister, it isn't likely I'll need him anytime soon."

"I want to know what's going on!" Keely exclaimed, a little frustrated.

"No you don't," Phil said. "Not unless you want to hear a boring, far-fetched story about a couple of star-crossed lovers."

"My story was boring and far-fetched, was it? Well it was about you!"

"No, no it most certainly was not! You see, Via, I live here, in the real world unlike you, who seems to live in Shakespeare-land where everyone talks like idiots and has serious psychological problems!"

"Oh go read some pop fiction, you close-minded philistine!"

"Oh, I get it, just because I read _The DaVinci Code _ and I hate Shakespeare, I'm a close-minded philistine, huh? Well weren't YOU the one I caught reading _Bridget Jones's Diary_ the other day?"

Via was caught in her own argument. He was right. She decided to walk away with whatever dignity she had left. "This is ridiculous. I have better things to do that to stand here arguing with someone like you. Seeth thou later!" With that, Via turned and stalked off down the hall.

"Peace out!" Phil yelled after her before running off in the opposite direction.

With Phil and Via gone, Keely was left alone in the hallway, looking bewildered. "What just happened here?" She asked the empty hallway.

A few minutes later, Phil came back after he realized he'd left something very important alone in the hallway.

"Sorry, Keel," he said as they walked towards their class.

"What was all that about, Phil?"

"I hate Shakespeare," he muttered in response. Keely shrugged and slipped her hand into Phil's. She decided to leave it at that because figured she would never get the whole story and after Via and Phil's argument, she wasn't sure she really wanted to know after all. All she knew was that things turned out for the best for her and that was all she needed.

An: I never knew writing an argument between Phil and Via could be so much fun! Just for the record, I've read both _The DaVinci Code _and _Bridget Jones's Diary_ and I love them both. Anyway, since school ends next week, I'll have a lot more time to get writing done so, my loyal fans, I'm all yours this summer. Except for work, but I've done some of my best writing whilst bored at work. Anyway, leave a review and I'll see you real soon with a new story!

--Sam Mulder


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